MATT HITT, THE KING OF NYC

I don't know how to "seize the day" because I do want to but also all I ever want to do is lie around and talk about things on the internet which I don't think is very "seize the day" of me. But then I think that"seize the day" also means do whatever the fuck you want to do so then I don't feel as bad. BUT then I do feel bad because I want to do lots of things other than write on the internet and I feel I could be doing those things instead. I have several books I need to read and I feel I should stop spending money on so much clothing and spend it on cheap records, plants and more books and tickets to go see more places (although however I've already fulfilled the last one considering I spend 90% of my money travelling to see my boyfriend).

And right now while I was sat flicking through each of my tabs this photo of Matt Hitt came up on tumblr and I was overcome with jealousy. I think if I belonged or was even just present in such a huge city, sitting around doing nothing on my laptop wouldn't feel like doing nothing because while I was doing nothing I was also sitting in one of the greatest cities on earth. I think to me just being in New York would be doing something pretty great considering I haven't the money to do so and I'm halfway around the world. Although to be fair I barely have any money for lunch most days.

As an A-level student I think "seize the day" just right now means doing a lot of school work, reading books and making new friends and stuff. I like to "seize the day" by wearing a cute outfit. Today I'm going out in gusty windy weather to go to the pet shop to pick up the fishies i've been meaning to buy since October and yesterday I bought a cacti and I am quite happy with myself and on Friday I completed alf of an essay that wasn't due til a week later. 

rachel xoxo

I am going to write a letter to george consisting of nothing but a list of everything i admire about him

"put your flowers down; it's too cold"

It's raining out hecka hard and my Mum told me my Gma wants to go out to town but I don't know she's only a little old lady she will probably get blown away in the wind. She gave me ten pounds yesterday because she thinks i need to cheer up and as much as i want to spend it developing my cameras i need to save it for future events so sigh and today is looking like a glum day. I mean  I got dressed and I like my outit but i got nowhere to go.

I'm writing from my bedroom floor by my record player and I'm listening to Swim Deep and wondering what the chances are of their gig not sucking next week. A year ago was the last time I saw them live and I mean it was brutal. Girls were willing to take lives in order to talk to this band man I almost died and so did my friends. 

I feel on a mega roll this week; I was in school for three consecutive days without going home and I actually felt fiNE.

OK UPDATEUPDATEUPDATE it is now 5pm about 6 hours later from when i wrote that drivel you just read and i went up town with my grandma and we had a fab time and she bought me a cactus and some soil and it was all hecka cute. Then after i saw her off on her train i went to this record shop not expecting to find anything good and I was browsing and then i found the Madonna LIke A Virgin album so i picked it up intending to buy it. Then I looked to my right and saw Bella Donna by Stevia NIcks just in a pile on the floor so i ran (slowly) to it picked it up and asked the price and the guy said £2, i only had a £1 on me because of cactus and food issues so i just stood there but the babe said he'd only take a £1 cause it's "scratched a little". So then I ran all the way home and ran to my room and put it on my record player and listened to Edge of Seventeen and now my day feels whole and I am happy and that was my story.
Have a nice day.

rachel xoxo

"EFF AND BLIND AND DO AS MUCH OF IT AS YOU WANT"

I attended my first therapy session today and it was very good and I think it should continue that way. I recognise almost everybody there and 80% of them are business women in suit trousers and a shirt who sit with their legs crossed and their hands in their lap which is not surprising. This one woman wore a hoodie and jeans and converse and had her hair scraped back in a low-pony and spoke a little and had obviously gone to one of those things before. My mums ex-boyfriend's brother was there too and he seems sweet. There was a very old woman there too who seems sweet also. My mum knows her daughter and apparently this old lady has a very hard time and hasn't been able to leave her house or do much for years and it makes me very sad. Her ex-boyfriend's brother isn't able to do much either and he can't work because of it and its all very sad. I'm the youngest there too.
In some sort of fucked up weird way it feels way cool and I feel a part of something. We got given these diary sheets where we record times of feeling anxious, our levels of anxiety before and after the situation and how we dealt with it. The lady said we can't swear in class but we can record anything we want and swear as much as we like about anything and it's totally confidential so I am looking forward to recording stuff the most.

Right now my life feels 99% consumed with anxiety and it's awful but today was a productive day!!! #1 I wore a hecka cute outfit (apart from the fact that my skirt showed my butt a little but whatever everyone got a butt).

That is me dancing around and around to Stevie Nicks, or Vampire Weekend I can't remember which.
Last night I dyed my hair black too and I think it makes me look like I'm wearing a prosthetic wig but it washes me out a lot and I like that. It also contrasts with my lipstick so that's a big bonus.
What isn't a big bonus though is the trail of hair dye up my stairs, on my carpet and all over my mum's linoleum.

Another reason why today was a good day is because I sat through a lesson and I didn't have to ask to leave. Now I've attended 6 hours of school in the past two weeks and three days and I feel good about today!! I also just finished up on English notes and my English teacher seemed okay with everything so I feel pretty positive.
I swear my life isn't all just about anxiety I do have other stuff going on (I HAVE A LOT OF GIGS COMING UP EXPECT GD THINGS) just stuff is pretty shitty right now (ish, it's getting better, ish)

rachel xoxo

"I'll move to paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars"

I'm not in school today because I feel like crud and my anxiety is worsening and nothing good is happening at all. My Mum got off the phone from some lady at school who sorts out stuff like this and she told my Mum if I can't get into school soon on a regular basis (as in in the next few weeks) they might consider chucking me out. WHAT A WAY TO BE SUPPORTIVE.
It's full of bullshit because when this whole thing started (with school being involved) two weeks ago they were fine with me and they sent me home when I had to go home and they'd try to  be understanding. Right now I feel like i'm just pissing the teachers off and pissing everyone off with my absence and it;s horrid because I can't help it. Like right now for example I'm sat at home, at 9 I wrote about three pages of notes for history and highlighted (so essentially revised) some other notes from previous weeks. I plan to annotate more of Macbeth but I just feel 100% useless. It isn't like I WANNA be at home 'cause I don't, I wanna be in school but sometimes I can't.
I just feel like the school are being big babies about it. I start therapy tomorrow and right after I'm going in for my citizenship class. Of course it doesn't help that I sit next to the two biggest dickwads I've ever met in my entire life.

I've passed the motivational stage. At the beginning I was all "Ok we can do this!! We can get through this!! I'm gonna start eating super heathily and take my tablets regularly as I should and I will be fine in no time!!!" but right now I'm at the end of my tether. I haven't given up and I still do school work I'm just not all that peppy.
I feel super bad because I don't do things I used to, I haven't been out in a couple weeks and I haven't been in school since Thursday (I stayed in all day which is an absolute milestone). I just think the teachers think I haven't been doing all the work or something, which I have. All of it. Probably 10x more than others in my class (mostly out of this relentless fear I'll fail all 7 of my exams).
It's 10:52am right now and I thikn at 11am I will make some notes on Macbeth and then have some lunch at 12pm and then (not do psychology because I don't know what the next unit is) email my teacher my psychology homework.

Here are some cutsie kinda pictures to keep both you and I motivated today (which i can't see happening for me but hey ho)

rachel xoxo

"At first I thought to myself "Hell yeah, Bitch""

George is sleeping in my bed like a lil butt-ugly princess and I'm drinking blood orange tea from my Hello Kitty mug all hunched over and my back aches.
We went to Gretna yesterday for a couple hours and at the end of the day I managed to figure that my anxiety is like pulling an all nighter you know like how you have to get over the hump of tiredness and then you basically have to endure this hyperactive episode for the next however-many-hours. We took the bus to Gretna and I felt a lil bit sick but afterwards I felt fine and we went to Topshop when we got back home and I didn't feel sick or faint whilst waiting in the queue it was great!!!

Now George is sleeping with his mouth gaping open and if he isn't careful spiders will crawl into his mouth and eat him from the inside-out.

Last night I blew all of my money on this Levi's jacket i found on ebay for £25 and George bullied me into buying it so i did and now i have no money for anything but i'm convincing myself it's okay when it isn't. I have no money. If I lived by myself with no parental hold on me I would be lying in a gutter somewhere with nothing but my vinyl collection, a can of dandelion and burdock and a packet of tea with nothing to drink it from. And a Levi's jacket.

Also whilst in Gretna I bought this super groovy Keith Richards book which has loads of fab pictures of Keef and some text written by some old guy which I think is good. I would hate for an autobio to be written by some young journalist who claims to be musics biggest fan and claim to know stuff about what happened in a mans life 40 years prior to his own birth. Although I do skim the text to skip to the photo's and the text is capitalised for my tiny brain to understand i just kind of drool over Keith's beautiful face. Even if he is 70. 

rachel xoxo

"I love all his looks, and all his actions, and him entirely and altogether. There now!"

It has been a quiet day and one full of back pains from slouching over and slaving over my work. I feel as though I haven't left the house in quite a long time (being about a day) and I feel like how I imagine zoo animals to feel except my mother feeds me less and my life is even more boring, as of recent. My constant feelings of anxiety and panic attacks have me under house arrest and I haven't been at school very much apart from when I felt necessary or I felt well enough that I wasnt going to have a heart attack in the class or something like that. It's got me feeling very very very very glum and down about myself and i tweet about it a lot and talk about it all the time as though it were nothing but it's completely taken over my life so much so that my life no consists of working from home and Netflix.

Since the new year I've been taken to writing a lot of lists in my new Listography book George got me for christmas I am absolutely 100% obsessed with it I write everything down in it and take it everywhere, it's my LIFE. I wrote down all my resolutions, if you can call them resolutions, in that thing as well. One of which being to watch the entire series of Peep Show and The Office from beginning to end and another was to watch a movie a day.

I spent last night and this morning watching Up and I spent most of the time asking questions to myself. Like, why did Ellie have to die? What's with Carls nose looking rather like a....testicle? Is Russell Asian or, what ethnicity is he? Why the pilot guy found it necessary to recruit an army of dogs when he livedi n the South-American wilderness and could have found something ten times as big and scary to warden off people with.
Robyn recommend I watch Teeth tonight and the long and short of that film is that some gal finds it incredibly entertaining to eat boys dicks off with her vagina.

My movie list is evergrowing so it's pretty hard to can it and let everyone see but it's pretty long and i'll try keep up posting or whatever but maybe not.

I am having to sell my shiny shoes but today i wore this outfit with those shoes these weren't taken today but it was the same outfit enjoy i am not pretentious or vain i like clothes and taking pictures of myself????

That is me sulking about doing work, have a nice night and have a nice Tuesday

Rachel xox