I'm listening to Keaton Henson and writing this because Keaton Henson is anxious and sad right? So I think that listening to Stevie Nicks could make me kind of not in the mood or maybe even Best Friends or something, yeah, their music isn't gonna work.
I have this foot-in-mouth feeling all the time except it's not that I've spoken too much, or wrongly, it literally just feels like someone's foot is lodged in my throat. It seems that with everyday that passes this feeling grows stronger, like i need to spit up whatever feelings i have stuck because i want them gone. This sounds super deep but it's just everyday stuff.
I don't think feelings like this are talked about or written about very often and it's sad because they're feelings that can't be described so i think if someone started talking or writing about them then more people would, even though it's hard. Like that butterfly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know something nerve-racking is coming up and how that feeling increases day by day the closer you get to it.
I often have to wear sunglasses in shops because it gets too bright and the lights make me feel sick and i'm scared it makes me look pretentious. I'm not pretentious I just have this thing. It happened yesterday when I was waiting for a prescription, the lights were white and blinding and i started to feel sick. I even started playing games on my phone to distract me and the lady at the desk looked at me funny. But whatever, she was a purple rinse.
All these feelings I've talked about I get all the time, and more, but they're the kind of feelings you can't describe or remember until you actually get them. So i'll try and remember them.
I'm a really bad second guesser. It makes life weird sometimes and I just have to settle for a lot of things. You know? Like is my Mum really acting like a bitch or am I just a selfish, conceited asshole? I think it's a part of being 18 years old and I have to find how to handle it for now. Like i'll just put this issue in my back jean pocket and deal with it later.
I'm not making any sense but maybe if you read it over a few times....
I think this is just a culmination of feelings and dates and things that have happened but it will get more entertaining when September comes around. It's June right now.
I'm scared about a lot of things that are going to be happening but i'll come to those feelings when i actually experience them and we'll see if they're as scary as I feel like they're gonna be. It might just be that foot-in-mouth feeling or it might be as scary as i think it is yeah (second guesser).
Sometimes i feel like i have to contain my feelings because when i try to explain them they get too complicated and i think maybe i should simplify them so other people will maybe get it. But if I simplify them then it's not really how i feel so you're gonna maybe have to read this post over a couple hundred times.
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