Dealing with my death anxiety (thanatophobia)

So I first thought it was important not to capitalize the title of this blogpost 'cause, well, no-one wants to see a whole load of DEATH on their Monday evening (even though that's how you may be feeling on your Monday morning), nor on their Wednesday morning (which is when I'm writing this post for you all).

This post isn't about dealing with death or my reaction/coping techniques with deaths i have personally faced in my life, which, in 20 years, I'm glad is a very, very small number. It is instead just a little bit of me talking about my reaction to *my own* death at various stages throughout my life.

YES, I AM GOING TO DIE SOME DAY and for me to really sit and think about this fact is a truly, truly fucking terrifying thing to me. Actually even as I'm writing this my heart is beating super fast and I'm probably on the verge of a panic attack (I have to make a work call later today though too so 

it's probably just that that I don't like).

When I was little I used to have the same dream over and over again and, even when it wasn't this specific dream and just something similar, every night I would wake up crying and call for my Mum. This dream usually involved some sort of situation in which I was going to die and it was always extremely dramatic. This went on for quite a while until I was about ten years old maybe, I can't exactly remember but I know that it happened a LOT.

My Mum used to go out when I was a kid and would often get a babysitter to look after us. On one of these nights, when I was maybe ten or eleven, I decided to read 'Vicky Angel'. This is a Jacqueline Wilson children's book if you didn't already know, I was a HUGE fan of Wilson's books as a kid but this one just totally freaked me out. The basic storyline is a girl (her name escapes me) loses her best friend Vicky in a car/road accident and it tells of how she copes with her death. I'm not sure what made me cry or freak out so hard, whether it was the death part or the coping part or just the book's themes collectively but I cried so hard my Mum had to come home to make sure I wasn't going to go into full-on break-down mode. (Thanks Jacqueline, for the mental scarring).

I used to go out with a boy who I often used to talk to about this subject yet I was always met with the ol' "I'm not afraid of death, it's inevitable" typical dickhead response. Not that you're a dickhead if you aren't afraid of death but I hate talking about this subject when the person I'm talking to thinks the correct way of dealing with it is to tell me death is inevitable. I know that. That's the problem. 

What made me write this post is that yesterday or the day before I was sat watching tv and then all of a sudden just started to think of how I'm going to grow old and die one day and I can't stop it. I didn't just think about it but I *really* sat on it for a few minutes to the point where I totally phased out and had to physically snap myself out of it (this tends to happen quite often). Getting like that is sort of like when you say a word over and over again until it doesn't sound like a word any more. That's what I always do, until death seems like such a real prospect that it could never ever possibly be real or it could never happen to me. 

What I have worked out is that I basically have major FOMO, with anything in life, fear of missing out hits me hard and dying is like an extreme version of FOMO just without any way of getting around it. This phobia sounds very trivial because everybody is eventually met with their own death *some*day but death anxiety is just absolutely bloody awful. It's like being in a Saw game, having a ticking timer right beside you as you're about to be met with your worst fear whilst enduring some kind of trap that likens to life and yes I just turned Saw into an allegory for life.
All I'm going to do is bury my head in the sand and hope that, when I get to be an old woman, I hope death doesn't scare me half as much because I'm content with everything I've done in my however-many-years-I've-spent-on-this-earth.

Here is something I found online whilst researching this topic, it describes all the different kinds of death anxiety.

 

(thanks for sticking and reading)
xxrachelen

MY THOUGHTS ON MILEY CYRUS AND GENERAL CULTURAL APPROPRIATION (for people who are failing to comprehend this subject matter)

Over the last three years we've seen rather a lot of Miley Cyrus but over the last few days or so she has become particularly relevant following her interview on Jimmy Kimmel and her VMA hosting/performance.

I want to create this post to educate people that I know personally on why Miley Cyrus is problematic. Too often am I met with the same response of "Oh but she's just being herself!!!" when I begin to talk about Miley and her ability to make an absolute constant tit of herself.

To truly tackle my thoughts and what I want to explain I feel I should start at the beginning.

Now when I first became interested in feminism and began calling myself a feminist it obviously  meant learning a lot and getting over a lot of bad habits I'd fallen into for example using terms such as 'like a girl' or 'girly' or 'don't be such a boy/girl!'. Achieving equality for women in society obviously doesn't just mean equality for white women but it means addressing the issues that women of black, Hispanic or Asian cultures face too.

Currently, about 12% of America's population (around 37.6 million people) identify as African American and 4% (13.4 million) are Asian plus the 2.3 million people who identify as Native American. Half those numbers and that's still millions of women who you aren't addressing if your idea of feminism only focuses on white women. Now, I'm looking at you Miley Cyrus.

Miley basically culturally appropriates the shit out of anything and has this habit of using black people as props and uses their culture when it's appropriate for her.

In 2013 Miley released the delightfully entertaining video for her single 'We Can't Stop'. Throughout it we see Miley wearing grills, Miley twerks, Miley wears heavy gold jewellery, Miley wears absolutely any kind of apparel that we associate with black culture or rather this 'Ghetto' image that she is so clearly striving for. Don't forget the token black girls we see littered in the back of the video too that are so clearly only featured throughout the twerking scenes and discluded near the end of the video where we see her and her fellow white gal pals revelling in the Californian sunshine. However all of this is okay, right? I mean it's Miley's first real single since the Hannah Montana era, she's just rebelling and breaking out of the Disney mould so, y'know, it's okay to let this one slide.

Now skipping forward a lot-a-bit to her Bangerz tour and most recently: her performance at the VMAs. I can't remember what date or what year but my sister Laura went with her friends to see Miley live and when watching the VMA's she pointed out that she used a lot of the same performers. I commend Miley for including a lot of different kinds of people on stage with her: small people, plus size women, drag queens, black women and men but you know they're all just props. WHEN does Miley sing about race? When does Miley show any interest in race other than when it's convenient for her or some kind of fashion statement she's trying to make? It's like 'oh you can be in my show but only so I can slap your butt and include you at any twerking intervals'.

Rewind a little back to her interview with Jimmy Kimmel last week where they chatted about ALL KINDS of things however it seemed conversation always reverted back to Miley's boobs. Now where white feminism comes in is that Miley always uses it as a defence mechanism for when anyone tries to attack her choices. It's like it's okay that she chose to wear dreads, despite them being a traditionally black hairstyle, because she spoke out about free the nipple and how it's okay because she's a vegan-nudist and such a good person!!!! Not to mention the body-shaming segment that goes on at the end of the interview where she actually described a nudist-beach experience as "scarring", despite the fact that she is a nudist herself thus she should be accepting of all body types, right? So is it only okay if you're young and not over the size 16 limit? I'm not getting it.

On top of all of this was of course her little comments to the press in reaction to Nicki and Taylor's twitter '''''feud'''''' whereby Miley accused Nicki of making the lack of Anaconda VMA nominations 'all about [her]'. She clearly misses Nicki's point about misrepresentation of Black women and Miley is exactly the kind of person Nicki talks about when discussing white women who get commended for exposing their bodies unlike the Anaconda vid which was instead labelled highly "inappropriate". And FINALLY Nicki's fucking "calling out" at the VMA's was just so necessary I howled with absolute laughter at Miley standing there in dreads being called out by a black woman who has literally clawed her way to the top fighting for what she wants and deserves.

 

Tying into all this I think it's important to state that white privilege so obviously exists and it exists in the form of Miley Cyrus. White privilege means being able to use and abuse black culture without the *joys* of experiencing being followed around a store by security or being told your dreads look like they smell of weed (despite the fact Miley openly smokes.......logic). White people have no culture we collectively adhere to so we just take from other cultures as and when it suits us and it's a little embarrassing. 

I hope if you know me and don't understand what cultural appropriation is or fail to see it existing, that you do now but i know there are some people who just will never understand it and this blogpost just seems like some whiny teenage girl complaining about things that don't affect her.

Also if you like Miley Cyrus, sorry (though I'm really not) this post wasn't for you but I hope I've shed some light on why she is just a massive ballbag.

xxrachelhelen

FOREVER 21 - New-In Monochromes Wishlist

I don't know if any of you have noticed the new-in pieces Forever 21 have, quite recently, added to their site BUT......Forever 21 have added some new-in pieces to their site and they're all bloody brilliant. I love F21 for many reasons amongst which include their amazing range of items as well as affordability. Scrolling through their new-in selection is like suddenly being redirected to Zara or some higher quality apparel site. The pieces look so well made, so simplistic and effortless and so I put together a selection of items that are definitely at the top of my current 'to-buy' list! - 

Longline Cardigan / Pocket Hoodie / Ant Applique Tee / Tapered Trousers / Cut-out Jumpsut / Cut-out Dress / Zipper Sweatshirt / Striped Crew Neck  / Shift Dress / T-shirt Dress / Cut-out Sweater / Terry Sweatpants

xxrachelen

LUSH HAIR-CARE - ☼ experiences + thoughts ☼

It's hard to believe that no more than four months ago the wonder of Lush hair-care products were unbeknownst to me and my long-yet-terribly-dry locks.

My hair is very dry at the ends yet not so much at the roots as it's been so long since I've dyed it any sort of colour (let alone the horror that is off-the-shelf red dye) which has given it time to grow out and rejuvenate a little. 

My usual hair routine consists of washing and then straightening at night before sleeping in a low-pony so that when I wake in the morning my hair is wonderfully flowy and not at all knotty. If I don't follow through with every step of this routine I will probably end up having to deal with monstrously fluffy/tuggy hair for a few days before I decide I can be bot hered to wash it again.

With all of this in mind and my wishes for my hair to return to how it used to be (post 13-year-old me deciding to dye my hair a disgusting purple-red hue in 2009) I turned to Lush.

My Lush obsession had already re-sprouted around April time (my religious watching of Beckie0 having no correlation to this whatsoever...not) so it was only fair to give their shampoos a go.

My first purchase was Rehab shampoo, mostly just because my Mum bought it so I decided to copy her as I had no idea where to start. To be honest I had no idea what it did or why it was good for my hair. My train of thought was that anything could save my hair at this point so why not give it a go?

As well as containing a whole load of fruit including papaya, kiwi and pineapple, Rehab is also home to Olive and Jojoba oil which fabulously counteracts my hairs insane dry-ness!

The name Rehab alone just screams, well, 'REHAB, REJUVENATION, EVERYTHING THAT CAN BE GOOD TO YOUR HAIR' and it is. Despite the size of the bottle (I opted for the smaller size as I saw no point in splashing cash on something that I may not even like) it lasts a bloody long time although i do use this in between one other Lush shampoo that I'll get to in a minute. 

Rehab is the perfect shampoo if you, like myself, have no idea where to start in getting your hair on the road to recovery.

Next I chose to venture into the land of hair masks. Now what I love about Lush hair masks is that you apply them pre-shower, unlike most drugstore ones that insist you get out mid-shower and apply it between shampooing and conditioning. H'Suan Wen Hua (and no, I still can't pronounce that) is the only hair mask I've tried so far, using a good two big tubs of it since my first purchase. I LOVE this hair mask, especially when used in conjunction with Cynthia Sylvia Stout as they both really work together to weigh fluffy hair down and mine just feels amazing after using them. The smell of this mask is very natural and not overly pungent (which I find with most Lush products) and I love that about it. I've never had hair that stays smelling of my conditioner hours after using it and I hate even just queueing behind or passing by someone in the street and being able to smell the disgustingly strong scent of their Herbal Essences conditioner. It doesn't feel like I'm piling a load of chemicals into my hair, instead it feels like I could have just combined the ingredients myself, it's that lovely and basic-feeling.

Cynthia Sylvia Stout is that long talked about 'other' shampoo I just know you've all been desperate for me to get typing about......

Following the Lush lady's advice I bought CSS to go alongside H'suan Wen to combat my immensely unruly and fluffy hair. On it's own this shampoo is suppose to be great for dry, light and fluffy hair as it's main agent is beer (queue not-so-yummy yeasty smell) When used, beer helps weigh the ends of hair down thus eliminating that horrible hard-to-manage lightness that comes with dry hair. I have super long and thick hair so having really weightless ends can be a huge pain 'cause the underneath gets tuggy almost instantly after stepping out the front door.

I don't know if it's just this product or if it's a combination of the mask and the shampoo but it really. Does. Work!!! My hair has looked so much better these past few weeks. I also find that it's a super long-wearing shampoo. I bought the 500ml bottle and I haven't even used half yet, even with my thick hair it's outlasted a lot of shampoos I've had in the past!

The final and fourth product is Retread! Retread is a hair conditioner (despite it's incredibly self-descriptive name it took me a rather long time figuring out how to use it...). The only thing I don't like about this product is that it comes in a pot and not a bottle which is very annoying whilst in the shower, you have to place it well out the way unless you want the whole thing accidentally filling up with water. I wish I had more to say about this product but I've only used it twice so I haven't really formed an opinion on it yet. I don't think I'm ever going to warm to Lush conditioners because they don't do that thing that drugstore conditioners do where they sort of naturally detangle your hair. It is SO hard to brush through my hair once I've used this conditioner, I rip so much hair out it's so painful.

THERE was my Lush hair care thoughts and experiences on the few products I've tried. I just wanted to write this post as a sort of check-in. I'm so super excited to begin trying new products, next on my list is Roots!

xxrachelhelen

Products:

- Rehab

- H'suan Wen Hua

- Cynthia Sylvia Stout

- Retread

MOVING INTO MY NEW HOME (sort of) + MINI HOMEWARE HAUL

This week I took my Dad and my Dad took his car and we both travelled down to Liverpool together for the day. I made this trip intending to just pick up a few bits and pieces for my new house and to organise my room a it more because so far all I'd done is dumped a few essentials into my room, left them there for a month and here I am now. 

I somehow spent a lot more money than i initially intended (there's a sentence that is all too familiar) even though I can't exactly remember what I bought or how it added up to what it did.

(everything in the pictures that I can cite I will link at the end of the post)

This is my room as you walk in however this picture actually makes my room like quite small, it's HUGE (or rather huge to me as I've been stuck in a tiny attic bedroom for the last ten years). I'm happy that it all came with matching furniture but storage is something I'm going to have to majorly look into; I just have far too much stuff! A wardrobe, desk, chest-of-drawers and a double bed is all there is which leaves plenty of room for my extra clothing rail and record player. 

You can't really see it in this picture but the window is so lovely and tall! We live in a Georgian house so they're that lovely divided-square design where you have to unlock the windows and pull them up to open them. 

My bed is just so cosy, cute and amazingly grey! Primark bedding is something brilliant sent from the heavens, I also have another cover in a geometric pastel design shown in my home-ware haul linked here. Almost everything in this picture is from Primark, I bought the little kitty cushion earlier this year so I'm afraid they probably won't have it in stock but it was about £4. The Grey blanket (which is actually from Ikea) and the creamy blanket are also featured in my previous home-ware haul! 

It took me about an hour to get my wall décor perfectly symmetrical but I'm so pleased with it! Of course the bunting is Dodie Clark inspired. My "wake up and smell the coffee" canvas was £4 from Primark, the bunting is from Home Bargains and all the other pictures are just miscellaneous things I've collected. 

The two cushions in the middle are a little old so I have no idea where they're from, I think the red lyrical one is from either B&M or Home Bargains.The two candles on my Ikea side table are from Home Bargains and Ikea, the grey tray laying there is also from Home Bargains.

I would first like to point out about this picture that the chair is wonky. It is wonky because I am not very strong and I couldn't click the chair into the base and now it is, well, like that....

The ceilings are very high so the walls look bare like I need to fill them up with something but I just want to leave it looking simple and not as cluttered as my room at home. I'm hoping the neutral colours in the grey, white (and hints of copper) will chill me out and help me get a good uni-work ethic going and make me less aggravated and anxious in general.

My chair is from Ikea and I didn't feature it in my home-ware haul because I couldn't really be bothered to assemble it, quite simply. My bin there is also from home bargains, it's just a flimsy wire mesh paper bin. On the wall above my desk is a notice/whiteboard from Home Bargains (100 points for guessing where I work/spend most of my time), so is the weekly planner chalk board. Wreathed around the notice board is my kitty cat lights from Urban Outfitters and underneath it is a selection of polaroids/photo booth snaps.

Minus the bottle of coke, this is pretty much how de-cluttered I want my desk to stay, whether it actually will is a different story (i just have SO MUCH STUFF that I will probably collect and hoard for months on end) (and by stuff I mean like a hundred copies of Elle and Company).

My Ikea copper lamp is one of the things I am most excited about! It's so simplistic and takes up barely any space, it's not clunky and clumsy like most lamps. The heart shaped photo frame is from BHS and actually has a picture of 5 year old me on holiday in Cornwall (is that a little too conceited?).

The grey toothbrush holder I use as a pen holder is from Ikea, the pencil case I got from Clas Ohlson, the other pencil pot is from Dunelm Mill and my selection of candles are either Home Bargains or Yankee Candle.

Again, I want to keep this space de-cluttered but it will probably be piled high with magazines and records in a months time. I probably have a few more bits and pieces I want to add but this is it for just now. My piggy bank is from Alternative and It's so gorgeous, it was actually a present from my Mum for my moving to Liverpool last September. The white tray is just a little candle tray from Ikea I'll probably end up using for little trinkets. The smaller candles are from Home Bargains (surprise, surprise) and the bigger one is an orange squash candle from Primark (mainly just for show, Primark candles can be a little crap). I have my little selection of display books there too: The Colossus by Sylvia Plath, How To Be a Parisian, Burning In Water Drowning In Flame by Charles Bukowski and IT by Alexa Chung. Ooo look and another pretty Primark candle. 

This is my little make-up station. 

To be honest writing that last sentence actually made me cringe a bit but that is actually what this little stool thing is. My plan of action is to sit in front of my window every morning doing my make-up in front of great natural lighting. I just took a few unopened toiletries with me and dumped them in this basket so this isn't actually how the basket will be utilised once I've moved in, I haven't decided what I want to do with it yet. The underneath bit of the bench will have al my make-up stored there or perhaps just products I am currently using OR my Lush products basket, I am very undecided. 

Again, the mug and the mirror are both from Home Bargains, the mug is to be used for my make-up brushes when I eventually cart them all down. I have another mug similar that I will use for my eye-make-up brushes. The two tea-light holders are from Ikea and the "my crap" trinkets tray is from Urban Outfitters.

This picture is only really here to show you all my gorrrrrrrgeous copper clock! It's actually from B&M, I'm not expecting it to last long but it is so super pretty! Hung around it are some copper fairy lights from Primark that I picked up. On the floor there is my wash bag from work which I find especially satisfying as it has two sections: 'light' and 'dark' and each detached with drawstrings and handles so I can easily cart my stuff downstairs to the washing machine!

And a BIIIIIG sigh of relief, we are finally almost at the end of what seems like a mammoth post.

All I wanted to show you was these copper clothes hangers from Primark. I stumbled across them when I was queueing at the checkout and decided to pick up ten (or 5 for £3). I plan to use these on my clothes rail; what's the point in having these gorgeous things hiding away where no-one can admire just how amazing they are????

And that's it!! I bought a dinner set and some boring stuff like bin bags and scourers but I decided to keep this post solely bedroom-themed.

Don't forget to check below for links to everything mentioned in this post.

xxrachelhelen

Mentioned items (items ft in haul are in bold): - 

Grey and cream duvet cover

Kitty Cat Cushion (similar)

Grey Blanket and White Blanket 

Bunting (similar)

Coffee canvas (similar)

Grey candle 

Desk chair

Mesh bin (similar)

Noticeboard (similar)

Chalkboard planner (similar)

Kitty fairy lights (discontinued)

Copper Lamp

Grey toothbrush holder

Pencil case

Cream pencil pot (discontinued)

Piggy bank (similar)

Candle dish

Orange Soda candle

Wire basket

Bathroom mirror (similar)

Tealight holders

'My Crap' tray (similar)

Pug mug (similar)

Copper clock (similar)

Copper fair lights (similar) 

Wash bag (similar)

Copper clothes hangers (unavailable online)