Dealing with my death anxiety (thanatophobia)

So I first thought it was important not to capitalize the title of this blogpost 'cause, well, no-one wants to see a whole load of DEATH on their Monday evening (even though that's how you may be feeling on your Monday morning), nor on their Wednesday morning (which is when I'm writing this post for you all).

This post isn't about dealing with death or my reaction/coping techniques with deaths i have personally faced in my life, which, in 20 years, I'm glad is a very, very small number. It is instead just a little bit of me talking about my reaction to *my own* death at various stages throughout my life.

YES, I AM GOING TO DIE SOME DAY and for me to really sit and think about this fact is a truly, truly fucking terrifying thing to me. Actually even as I'm writing this my heart is beating super fast and I'm probably on the verge of a panic attack (I have to make a work call later today though too so 

it's probably just that that I don't like).

When I was little I used to have the same dream over and over again and, even when it wasn't this specific dream and just something similar, every night I would wake up crying and call for my Mum. This dream usually involved some sort of situation in which I was going to die and it was always extremely dramatic. This went on for quite a while until I was about ten years old maybe, I can't exactly remember but I know that it happened a LOT.

My Mum used to go out when I was a kid and would often get a babysitter to look after us. On one of these nights, when I was maybe ten or eleven, I decided to read 'Vicky Angel'. This is a Jacqueline Wilson children's book if you didn't already know, I was a HUGE fan of Wilson's books as a kid but this one just totally freaked me out. The basic storyline is a girl (her name escapes me) loses her best friend Vicky in a car/road accident and it tells of how she copes with her death. I'm not sure what made me cry or freak out so hard, whether it was the death part or the coping part or just the book's themes collectively but I cried so hard my Mum had to come home to make sure I wasn't going to go into full-on break-down mode. (Thanks Jacqueline, for the mental scarring).

I used to go out with a boy who I often used to talk to about this subject yet I was always met with the ol' "I'm not afraid of death, it's inevitable" typical dickhead response. Not that you're a dickhead if you aren't afraid of death but I hate talking about this subject when the person I'm talking to thinks the correct way of dealing with it is to tell me death is inevitable. I know that. That's the problem. 

What made me write this post is that yesterday or the day before I was sat watching tv and then all of a sudden just started to think of how I'm going to grow old and die one day and I can't stop it. I didn't just think about it but I *really* sat on it for a few minutes to the point where I totally phased out and had to physically snap myself out of it (this tends to happen quite often). Getting like that is sort of like when you say a word over and over again until it doesn't sound like a word any more. That's what I always do, until death seems like such a real prospect that it could never ever possibly be real or it could never happen to me. 

What I have worked out is that I basically have major FOMO, with anything in life, fear of missing out hits me hard and dying is like an extreme version of FOMO just without any way of getting around it. This phobia sounds very trivial because everybody is eventually met with their own death *some*day but death anxiety is just absolutely bloody awful. It's like being in a Saw game, having a ticking timer right beside you as you're about to be met with your worst fear whilst enduring some kind of trap that likens to life and yes I just turned Saw into an allegory for life.
All I'm going to do is bury my head in the sand and hope that, when I get to be an old woman, I hope death doesn't scare me half as much because I'm content with everything I've done in my however-many-years-I've-spent-on-this-earth.

Here is something I found online whilst researching this topic, it describes all the different kinds of death anxiety.

 

(thanks for sticking and reading)
xxrachelen

MY THOUGHTS ON MILEY CYRUS AND GENERAL CULTURAL APPROPRIATION (for people who are failing to comprehend this subject matter)

Over the last three years we've seen rather a lot of Miley Cyrus but over the last few days or so she has become particularly relevant following her interview on Jimmy Kimmel and her VMA hosting/performance.

I want to create this post to educate people that I know personally on why Miley Cyrus is problematic. Too often am I met with the same response of "Oh but she's just being herself!!!" when I begin to talk about Miley and her ability to make an absolute constant tit of herself.

To truly tackle my thoughts and what I want to explain I feel I should start at the beginning.

Now when I first became interested in feminism and began calling myself a feminist it obviously  meant learning a lot and getting over a lot of bad habits I'd fallen into for example using terms such as 'like a girl' or 'girly' or 'don't be such a boy/girl!'. Achieving equality for women in society obviously doesn't just mean equality for white women but it means addressing the issues that women of black, Hispanic or Asian cultures face too.

Currently, about 12% of America's population (around 37.6 million people) identify as African American and 4% (13.4 million) are Asian plus the 2.3 million people who identify as Native American. Half those numbers and that's still millions of women who you aren't addressing if your idea of feminism only focuses on white women. Now, I'm looking at you Miley Cyrus.

Miley basically culturally appropriates the shit out of anything and has this habit of using black people as props and uses their culture when it's appropriate for her.

In 2013 Miley released the delightfully entertaining video for her single 'We Can't Stop'. Throughout it we see Miley wearing grills, Miley twerks, Miley wears heavy gold jewellery, Miley wears absolutely any kind of apparel that we associate with black culture or rather this 'Ghetto' image that she is so clearly striving for. Don't forget the token black girls we see littered in the back of the video too that are so clearly only featured throughout the twerking scenes and discluded near the end of the video where we see her and her fellow white gal pals revelling in the Californian sunshine. However all of this is okay, right? I mean it's Miley's first real single since the Hannah Montana era, she's just rebelling and breaking out of the Disney mould so, y'know, it's okay to let this one slide.

Now skipping forward a lot-a-bit to her Bangerz tour and most recently: her performance at the VMAs. I can't remember what date or what year but my sister Laura went with her friends to see Miley live and when watching the VMA's she pointed out that she used a lot of the same performers. I commend Miley for including a lot of different kinds of people on stage with her: small people, plus size women, drag queens, black women and men but you know they're all just props. WHEN does Miley sing about race? When does Miley show any interest in race other than when it's convenient for her or some kind of fashion statement she's trying to make? It's like 'oh you can be in my show but only so I can slap your butt and include you at any twerking intervals'.

Rewind a little back to her interview with Jimmy Kimmel last week where they chatted about ALL KINDS of things however it seemed conversation always reverted back to Miley's boobs. Now where white feminism comes in is that Miley always uses it as a defence mechanism for when anyone tries to attack her choices. It's like it's okay that she chose to wear dreads, despite them being a traditionally black hairstyle, because she spoke out about free the nipple and how it's okay because she's a vegan-nudist and such a good person!!!! Not to mention the body-shaming segment that goes on at the end of the interview where she actually described a nudist-beach experience as "scarring", despite the fact that she is a nudist herself thus she should be accepting of all body types, right? So is it only okay if you're young and not over the size 16 limit? I'm not getting it.

On top of all of this was of course her little comments to the press in reaction to Nicki and Taylor's twitter '''''feud'''''' whereby Miley accused Nicki of making the lack of Anaconda VMA nominations 'all about [her]'. She clearly misses Nicki's point about misrepresentation of Black women and Miley is exactly the kind of person Nicki talks about when discussing white women who get commended for exposing their bodies unlike the Anaconda vid which was instead labelled highly "inappropriate". And FINALLY Nicki's fucking "calling out" at the VMA's was just so necessary I howled with absolute laughter at Miley standing there in dreads being called out by a black woman who has literally clawed her way to the top fighting for what she wants and deserves.

 

Tying into all this I think it's important to state that white privilege so obviously exists and it exists in the form of Miley Cyrus. White privilege means being able to use and abuse black culture without the *joys* of experiencing being followed around a store by security or being told your dreads look like they smell of weed (despite the fact Miley openly smokes.......logic). White people have no culture we collectively adhere to so we just take from other cultures as and when it suits us and it's a little embarrassing. 

I hope if you know me and don't understand what cultural appropriation is or fail to see it existing, that you do now but i know there are some people who just will never understand it and this blogpost just seems like some whiny teenage girl complaining about things that don't affect her.

Also if you like Miley Cyrus, sorry (though I'm really not) this post wasn't for you but I hope I've shed some light on why she is just a massive ballbag.

xxrachelhelen

FOREVER 21 - New-In Monochromes Wishlist

I don't know if any of you have noticed the new-in pieces Forever 21 have, quite recently, added to their site BUT......Forever 21 have added some new-in pieces to their site and they're all bloody brilliant. I love F21 for many reasons amongst which include their amazing range of items as well as affordability. Scrolling through their new-in selection is like suddenly being redirected to Zara or some higher quality apparel site. The pieces look so well made, so simplistic and effortless and so I put together a selection of items that are definitely at the top of my current 'to-buy' list! - 

Longline Cardigan / Pocket Hoodie / Ant Applique Tee / Tapered Trousers / Cut-out Jumpsut / Cut-out Dress / Zipper Sweatshirt / Striped Crew Neck  / Shift Dress / T-shirt Dress / Cut-out Sweater / Terry Sweatpants

xxrachelen